Alfred Hitchcock, My Mom’s Not Scared of You.

7 Apr

After a somewhat exuberant family dinner Stacy and I each grabbed a hungry infant and retreated to her peaceful living room while the men took the boys outside and Mom and GG tackled the dishes.   We were enjoying a little sister banter when Mom called calmly from the kitchen, “Guys, what do you have that we could use to get a bird out of the house?”  It took a moment for the implication of her request to hit us.  Her tone didn’t lend itself to aviary intrusion.

But then it sank it.  “THERE’S A BIRD IN THE HOUSE?!?”  That very important question was quickly followed by a series of other seemingly important, yet unanswered questions, like: “WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING OUT?!?”  “IF THERE’S A BIRD IN THE KITCHEN SHOULDN’T THERE BE MORE YELLING” and “WHERE’S THE CAMERA?!?”  You see, my sister and I prefer a bit of drama with our, well, drama.

Since Mom gave up on either of us helping her in any productive way she enlisted the help of my sweet husband to find her something useful.  By the time we go into the kitchen  this is what we found:

Mom with a spatula.  Maybe she was out of control.  It appears she was trying to flip the bird.

GG was holding the curtain.  We never asked why.  Maybe she was scared.  That’s what I would have done.

Jer brought Mom a bucket from the bathtub toys.  This seemed to instill fear in the bird’s heart.  Or wings.

Now, here is where Stacy and I really failed.  We took pictures, but we didn’t have the foresight to video the event.  Video documentation would have made all the difference, because I don’t think anyone will ever be able to fully comprehend the nearly placid state of our mother throughout this entire event.  Calm doesn’t even begin to describe her demeanor.   This task seemed no more alarming or unusual than starting a load of laundry.

But maybe this little dialog from the event can shed some light on her relaxation. Please excuse the excessive yelling by Stacy and I.  In the interest of conveying the truth capital letters must be included.
Me: HOW DID THE BIRD GET IN THE HOUSE?
Mom: It flew in. (I’m pretty sure she wanted to follow this with, “Duh.”)
Stacy: WHAT KIND OF BIRD IS IT?
Jerry:  A sparrow, maybe?
Mom: No, it’s a Snow Bird, like the one in our house yesterday.

Yup.  You read that right.  Her house.  Yesterday.  Bird.

Well, now that we’ve established that Mother is a Bird Removal Professional here’s the proof that she knows her business:

The most effective tool proved to be the bucket used in conjunction with a minnow net, also from the bathtub toys.

“Bye-Bye, Birdie.”

If I were you, Bird, I’d stay outside.

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2 Responses to “Alfred Hitchcock, My Mom’s Not Scared of You.”

  1. Charity April 7, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    There was a bird in the sanctuary the day that Birk and I were married. One of our good was able to remove the visitor before the ceremony took place. Take this as a good sign for little Henry.

  2. Jo April 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm #

    Aviary intrusion? I love it! Great story. I love your mom!

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